Wow 5 Weeks to go...WHAT!!!!

Wow...so it has been an amazing experience so far and I apologize for not posting as often as I should...so let's see what's been going on.
1. Month 1 & 2 went great lost 30lbs! (felt strong and proud)
2. Month 3 & 4 lost 5lbs (started getting frustrated w/myself and slipped a bit)
3. Month 5 just weighed lost 2lbs ( not mad at myself anymore took a look at what I need to change and am ready for month 6)

What does any of this tell me? I could look at it two ways.....I could beat myself up and say "wow look how good you did in month 1&2 ..and then I just screwed up month 3-5 I am such a loser...I am always going to be FAT !!!" or be kind to myself and say " Wow I have lost 37lbs...I can not wait to see where I am a year from now....and I know if I concentrate on tracking my food and exercise ...like I did in month 1&2 ...I will continue to do better the next month"
Well I am choosing to live by this second statement...but just to be clear the first statement I did feel and I was living there for the last couple of months...hmm...was that negativity serving me well..? absolutely not...what serves me is the belief and faith that if I just trust in myself to take the best care of me and do what is positive and leave or change the negative..I will be on my way to the best me....my journey will not end when this contest ends...it will not end until the day my last breath is drawn on earth...so I want to make sure that I enjoy this journey and that life is something I create not just something I live.
Love to you and to me!
Create what you want in this world...

Personal Power

Well you know that saying it takes 21days to break a habit and the best way is to also replace it with a new (healthier/better for you)habit I think it is true to a point. The point it becomes a little cloudy is when you are finally starting to get used to the " New" way you act,think,be and care about yourself there will come a test...of how much are you really wanting to act,think,be and care about yourself. How "Bad" do you really want to change? How " Much" do you really believe you are worth caring for?
My first " Test" came this last couple of weeks..and let's just say if it were a test to be graded I think I may have to take the test over . Does this mean I throw in the towel? Has the " Fat Lady" sang her final curtain call? Am I rolled up in a ball...sucking my thumb and wishing I never had started this in the first place?
I really did think of quiting...throwing in the towel and honestly I did roll up into a ball for a couple of days (at least mentally)
I encountered some events this last couple of weeks that had me start to question the new thought processes I have been working on..I had my feelings hurt...my heart tested..and my personal power broken...I let others hurtful actions and words start to make me question my new found belief that I am worth something..that I just may be pretty..that I have more to offer than I allowed myself to believe..those new toughts began to fade and my old thought patterns started to creep back in. The ones that told me for years and years how unworthy...ugly and fat I am..even though those thoughts were not true...they became my reality for many years and they actually came true at times (what you think about you bring about). I began to sink back into that pool of "self hate" and although not a fun place to be it was oddly comforting..why because it was familiar...I began to start telling myself " Why do I even try I am never going to be able to do it" and " Who was I fooling I can't be anything"
This may all sound like whining or depressing and you know if I stayed there it would be...the reason I am writing this is...if I can help someone else realize that these sort of thoughts happen to not just them..then it is worth me letting everyone else know what I go through on a day to day basis. I did let someone else hurt me but it was me who allowed others actions to affect me..I began to realize its not my problem what others may say..do or act towards me...I can only control how I how react...so after a couple of days of "ICK" I began to realize this and gain my power back.
Personal Power is for one to know and be comfortable in who they are without having others validate it for you..it is also not controling others actions to produce an outcome you wish..it is learning to control your own actions and reactions and realizing that Power comes from within and no one can take it as long as you don't allow it.
So... we are all on a journey and we all get to decide how that journey goes...remember.. like I said in a previous post " Love of others is important but love for yourself is what makes things happen"
I am still committed to losing weight and being my best me...and I realize I have the power to make that happen..no one can take that from me...unless I let them...and if I slip it is ok...I can get it back. =)

Love all
Meg

I don't think "Balance" is the correct word =)

Well my friends some of you have noticed that I have been a bit disconnected from my usual activities and maybe even a little distant....I have been thinking about this and I wanted to let you in on what is going on with me.

I know I have not called or returned calls as much as usual...spent as much time with you as usual...been out in the world(with the exception of the gym,backyard and foothills)as usual... etc. etc. etc

I want to apologize if I have made any of you feel as if I was ignoring you or cutting you out....that is not my intention at all....and that is what spurred this current post..so I can give you a little insight of what is up.

When I began this challenge that is exactly what it was for me a challenge and an opportunity for me to raise some money for "City Light" and a way for me to have an accountability to stay on track. It has been all that and so much more....I am beginning to see some things about me that I have chosen to ignore and let hide in the darkness of my mind...well when you " Put it all out There" for all of the world to watch it begins to shine a light on so much more and to be honest I have had a hard time learning how to handle some of this.

So I chose to work on some of this....and as all of you know when you put more than one ball in the air...you are either going to learn how to juggle or some of your balls will fall and the ones that don't are the ones you are so fixated on you don't take your eyes off of them...that is what has been going on with me....I have not quite learned the fabulous skill of juggling...and I let some of my "usual" life fall...not because I don't like it but because I was fixated on some parts of my new life...now the challenge is to learn to balance the new with the old and only let balls drop that no longer serve me now... those balls are not people in my life but rather old habits that are being replaced by new habits.

So "Balance" hmmm I don't think that is quite the right word because to have balance motion is usually at a stand still and all things are even ,like a scale...so I am thinking the correct word for this is " Flow" you see when you throw one or two balls up in the air you are already passing two more between your hands and it is a steady "flow" of action one up, one over, one under,two up,two over,two under..etc.

So my friends I am working on my "flow" of all things important in my life and please know that as I am growing/going through this ..I take all of you with me....friends and family are an important part of my life and will always be in my "flow" of things....be patient with me as I learn to juggle...I know I will get better.

Thank-you all for supporting me !

Love you

Meg

Love is not just what you have and give to others but what you also need to have for yourself

I was going through photos of family and friends the other day and noticed that every time I came to a photo of myself with family...my brain instantly started to compare....instantly pointing out to me how "different" I look to the family member in the photo with me....which in itself does not sound all that bad except...while comparing I was tearing my self apart....saying things like WOW my head is really too big....god look at my crazy hair....ick I look like a giant among them....I am definitely not petite like so and so....my skin looks like a dead persons...my eyes are so funky big and yet so squinty....my hips...my arms...not like so and so...etc etc etc

I have come to realize that my "uniqueness" is what I have used as a "weakness" never looking at myself with friendly eyes and seeing what is good about me..what I have that makes me...ME.

I am learning now that love is just not what you have and give to others but what you also need to have and give to yourself.

I am now trying to look at me with New Love for Myself and see that I may not look like my family..but that does not make me the monster my brain had convinced me I was.

If I don't start to love myself then all I have been doing will cease at some point because why do something for someone you don't care for...you wouldn't do such acts to change for anyone unless it was for the most important one... yourself.

So my challenge to all of you is to look in the mirror and tell yourself how much you love you....if it is hard to do then start with one thing about you....I started with something small " I love the way my wrists look" I know it sounds funny but each and every part of you is what makes you, you and to love you...you must love all of you!

Love to you and to me

Meg

" Love of others is important...love of yourself is what makes things happen"

Getting bored of vegetables?

I have been getting a little repetitive when it comes to the vegetables I have been eating .... so my "Coach" ...... hmmm she is so much more than that.... suggested I try a new veggie so this weeks new veggie is Kale.

What is Kale I am thinking it is a form of cabbage but I am not too sure. Tom went to the grocery store with one main thing on the list to get Kale...he called me said he thinks he found it but is going to ask produce guy if it is it. The produce guy said...yes sir that is Kale, but why do you want it...Tom said to eat it..produce guy said...I don't think people eat it..he thinks it is just for garnish on the big banquet trays....hmmm now Tom is worried what the heck are we going to eat tonight!

Well, Tom and I cut up yellow squash,green onion,garlic,carrots,snow peas and the Kale.
Put it all in a stir fry pan with a 1tbs of olive oil..chili powder and turmeric...excluding the Kale...it goes in when all the other veggies are done....then throw it in..let it wilt and BAM!!

It was absolutely delicious and very filling...I love finding out that eating right..can taste so good!

My challenge to all of you...go to the produce section...buy a veggie you have not tried and give it a shot...

Love to you

Meg

Mind over Matter...Are you Sure??

So things have been going pretty well on the exercise and food choice front...but today has been a little bumpy...I am having thoughts of foods that I have chosen not to partake in while I am on this journey and everyone says...it is just a simple solution of Mind over Matter....and even though I love some of the people that have been so sweet to give their advice on this...well Love ya but have to disagree with you over this general concept of Mind over Matter.

I think it is kind of funny that people would choose the words like Mind over Matter in the first place...because it is my Mind I am needing to conquer not the Matter.....in fact my Mind is so fighting with me...it wants to go back to its old thought patterns...it wants to go back to what is comfortable...the road that is easier..the path it knows...you get the point. I mean would it not be easier and instant gratification if I just gave in and had that cheese? MMMMM Cheese...yes that would be easier and yes I would get a bit of gratification...but after, what do I get after? I would get.....a massive feeling of guilt....a big chunk of self hatred...a voice in my head saying see I knew you couldn't do it....and then after that I would just get it again and again and again.

So I am thinking instead of this phrase of Mind over Matter...I would like to change that to
Conscious Choice over Settling for Comfort

Isn't it funny ,that what we have become comfortable in isn't always the best choice for us and if we really look at it...it really is not all that comfortable..it's just all we know.

I am choosing not to eat the cheese because after I thought about it...I am not settling for anything anymore.

Love ya
Meg

" Make all your choices, conscious ones and all your acts with passion"

First Weigh In !

I weighed in today! I will weigh once a week Friday on my own and then once a month for the contest so my first weekly weigh in....I have lost 10lbs!

Have a Wonderful Weekend and don't forget the women who brought you into this world!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY !!!

I thought I would put up a picture of me....this one is of me yesterday....Tom and I went on a 4 hour hike up in the Boise foothills it was a lot of fun but also very hard for me to keep up with him and not spit up a lung but boy did I feel good afterwords even though every part of me was sure to be not feeling so good in a couple of hours it felt good to feel all the muscles in my body reacting to movement...it is one thing to be in the gym...but to be outside and breathing in the fresh air and climbing up a real hill..is soooo different.
Love ya
Meg

The Struggle
We all have struggles in this life we are living and some of us have more than others and some of us even try to ignore or refuse to see them. I am really good at ignoring or down right refusing to look at mine.
Now most people assume that the reason that people are over-weight is the plain fact that we just eat too much...and the very bottom line does come out to be the final truth...but what is not true is that we all get up in the morning and start our day with the most fattening thing we can find and just continue on from there...nope not true for all...and not true for me....I was not sitting at home with bags of chips surrounding me...and food hiding in places that I only know where they are... that was not my "struggle"
My "struggle" started a very long time ago...why it started I don't know and to be honest doesn't matter..what matters is that I face it...and maybe sharing it with all of you even makes it more real.
My "struggle" is ...not eating all day long and then eating once..and when you don't eat for long periods of time your body goes into survival mode and starts sending out messages to all parts of your body....it tells your metabolism to slooooow down don't burn all that we are going to need it...it then says store all the fat we can.. we are going to need it for later..we don't have enough to function....it basically says STOP EVERYTHING we are in trouble here. So years of this has formed my body to the shape it is now...so hmmm the logical thing to do would be to reverse this pattern. Yes that is the "logical" thing to do...but it is not like walking into a room and flipping a switch..it takes time to "struggle" with the illogical thoughts that have become ingrained and literally become pathways in my brain.
The reason I stopped eating.... is in my brain people who eat all the time were fat so i would not eat and I did not like to eat in front of people I knew..so i wouldn't eat.. then at the end or even sometimes the middle of the day...I was starving.. so I would eat and eat big..lots of cheese...anything that was gooey it was for me. Then I was full way too full and wouldn't eat again(punishing myself for eating)because remember only fat people eat....do you see the cycle I created for myself?
Ok now i am eating and having to track everything and it is HARD.. my brain just does not want to cooperate with my logic...and counting calories is difficult because --Remember fat people eat---and to convince myself to eat on a consistent basis is harder than going to the gym.
Ok long enough for today..just needed to see it out of my brain!

By the way what I have been calling a "Struggle" can you see that it is a "DISORDER" ?

" Get out of your Head...your brain is a Dangerous neighborhood..do not go in alone!"

The Goal

Hi All
So I am officially entered in the Humphrey's Weight Loss challenge and it is Day 1 of my fund-raiser....Some of you have asked what my goal is and well my ultimate goal is not a number on a scale or a size on a piece of clothing but to be fit and healthy..that is a lifetime goal a way of life and what I want for myself. Now as far as a goal for this challenge my weight loss goal is 80lbs in the 23week period..it is a bit of a stretch but it is doable...
Just a little tracking info for you I have 30 people pledging and when I hit my goal weight you all will have donated to "City Light" over $2400.00 That makes my heart smile..you all are amazing...I feel so blessed to have so many people in my life that care about me and who see the value in helping others.....

Now there are some funny little goals I have....things that I have not been able to do for a long while
1. Travel on an airplane and be able to fasten the seat belt( with out passing out)
2. Not panic (inside myself) when I am at a restaurant with friends and they sit us at a table with chairs that have arms...will I fit !! OMG
3. Shop in a store other than Lane Bryant and the plus Department in others
4. Not have to return clothes family have bought for me that are still the size I was 10yrs ago(love is blind)
Just a few little things =)

Love ya
Meg

THE GOAL : To love myself as much as I love all of you =)

Good Morning ( I think)

Well I know that emotions are going to go crazy during this time of change..but I did not think they would be crazy right now. I am getting ready to go and weigh in and I can't stop crying...I know how much I weigh so that is not the fear. ...but what i am thinking is that it is going to become REAL to me...once I go and get on that scale it is going to be pretty hard to not ignore what is going on with my body...
I have had several of you say how proud you are of me for putting it all "out there" and it really had not hit me til now...I'm not just putting it all out there for everyone but it is going to be "out there" for me...I am not going to be able to hide from myself...lie to myself...etc etc.
Wow......

WOW !!

Hi All

I am so thankful for the network of friends I have...you all do not have any idea how much your words...pledges...and general caring for others has moved me...I am so blessed!!

Ok so 26 of you have pledged to donate to my fund raiser and I am so excited..this gives me the accountability to want to do this and do it with passion...by you pledging you are going to touch so many lives and make a difference in the world and that makes my heart smile.

I am also so full of joy to know how many of you believe in me...I am going to make you all proud...I know that this is not going to be easy but it is going to be the best change and growth I have had in a long time and you all have a hand in that.

Love ya

Meg

Tomorrow is the Big Weigh in DAY !!!

EEEEEK!

So excited!!

Hello Everyone!
I just wanted to let you all know that as of now I have had 17 people pledge to donate to my fund-raiser!! I just wanted to thank all of you who have pledged and all of you who have offered support...it means so much to me to know how much you care.
I am excited about this challenge and the journey it is going to take us all on...I said all because I will be keeping you all updated on my progress thru this blog!
I weigh in on Friday May 1st and will post my first picture and let you know how the day went!
Love ya
Meg